sometimes, it is easier to be alone than to have all the company but no one really present in your mind.

in the void we trust

If I died, no one will ever benefits from the shit I wrote. This place right here, I laid down my contemplation, a memoir of time that I’ve lost. I can’t believe how much time has passes by. And how little have I change. I fought with a figment of my own self issue and I never won. At some point, I just want a rest. I just want to take a break. A long pause. But, time is no gentleman. Time leave us. And it leave us fast. Like once it got one step further and never look back. And I am still standing here, watching it goes with everything I care most. Hopeless, helpless. And the more i think of it, the closer i am to despondency. I need drugs. Prescribed non prescribed whatever. I need something to make me forget. Something to make me feel again.

we dont have control over everything, anything.

i keep a plant in room just to make my room feel lively. but recently, my plant show a dying symptom. i dont know what i did wrong. i watered my plant every day without miss. the leaves are yellowish now and some gets dry. i cant help but feeling sad. and angry. why is it dying?! why?!
i cannot control life. i dont have that kind of power. all i can do is trying to preserve it as long as it may be. just dont die now plant. it'll lonely when u r gone.

the art of letting go.

okay im fully awake now.

check ig just now. smile a little. funny troops. james franco and his sick jokes. also some friends posting gambar ntah pape. i feel lighter now that im no longer sleepy. i dont usually feel this way especially early in the morning. dont wanna guess why.

i dont know what to write, basically im just mumbling over here. did i say good morning guys. nope? so yeah, good morning guys. i dont know why i feel nervous. mcm nak bg public speaking plak. random talking early in the morning is normal la kan? kan?

i've been stalking people for the past few years. i did that out of curiosity at first. but then it became habitual. i dont really feel anything now. just the liking of knowing people that i do not know. amir thought i was just being crazy creepy. but no harm done. case closed. she's pretty though. not like girl next door pretty but celebrity kind of pretty. so basically, she is pretty. i think i'd surpassed my jealousy. wasnt easy but i did it anyway. so, one big applause for me. thank you.

in slumber

i cant really think straight. im half awake and believe me, i cant even see whatever on screen right now. but thats okay. its been awhile. kinda miss blogging. thats why i come back. whenever im in terrible mood, i always come here to escape. i dont really know this place but it made me feel less lonely. last time i check, quite few months i left this place. guess my life wasnt really that bad huh? currently i've been working on my so called diet. no, im not dieting to be skinny fuck. my diet is for a healthy mind. i stop taking junk food which i really love. and its hard but i'll manage. but once in awhile, i took coke which really ruined my diet but what the heck. im half way to self destruction anyway. third year is tough. but whats makes it even harder is when u know u r about to giving up, and no really there for u. yeah, everyone keep telling me they got my back but when im in trouble and i look back, there's no one really. and life is suck. embrace this and move on. thats what i told myself every fucking day.

hollow

often, i felt like leaving everything behind and just fade away. left nothing not even a memory. often, i wish i wasn't human. i wish i was only a particle, floating in the air, with no purposes, doing nothing. colliding with other particles and bonding without any romantic feeling or any such. isn't that just great? i wanted life to be a little less difficult. i wanted me to become less miserable, less pathetic. i wanted everything to be just fine. but you cant always have what u want right?

i got a hole in my heart that cannot be fill with regular happiness. sigh..